Tal vez Buenos Aires es más bella en el recuerdo que adentro. No dejo de pensar en ella, como si fuera una mujer -un hombre, una abstracción- que me hubiera enamorado de manera definitiva, en la distancia. En esa Sudamérica 2010, tal vez fui más feliz -de manera concreta, cuantificable- en otros lugares, en Colombia, por ejemplo, pero Buenos Aires es Buenos Aires. Sólo pienso en ella. En volver. En vivir en ella. En establecer una relación seria. Ahora de pronto recuerdo detalles insustanciales, nada que merezca escribirse o rememorarse (por eso es más bello recordarlo, porque es real, es materia real de vida, es rutina y normalidad). Nunca voy a recordar qué hice cada día de ese mes (casi un mes) que estuve ahí, pero las imágenes han estado apareciendo tan nítidas que a lo mejor se puede intentar un rompecabezas desordenado. Resisto la intención de contenerlas aquí (cuando Billy me acompañó a comprar una mochila nueva: la mía se había roto de la base; cuando entré a un café cerca de Puerto Madero y comí unos huevos con mucha pimienta, añoraba un desayuno en forma, algo sólido que no fuera panecitos y café, un desayuno mexicano, contundente, llenador; una pizzería horrenda donde leí unos cuentos de Ambrose Bierce que compré en una librería de viejo de Corrientes; una mesera de dentadura lamentable; la puerta del partido comunista de la Boca a la que fui con el primer chileno, no El Chileno, sino el otro chileno de pelo largo con el que paseé durante el primer día; el ecuatoriano que se nos unió al día siguiente; la carne, las papas, la carne, las cervezas, la carne otra vez; la lluvia de la tarde que conocí a Billy, los dos en una rendija, mojándonos los pies; Parque Patricios y la bodega de DHL; una tiendita, mi falda de puntitos, la blusa de flecos que dejé en un hostal después; la vez que la odié tanto como al DF, el tráfico y el «subte» lleno y los bancos interminables y las llamadas en los locutorios y los parques y los insectos y las paredes de los edificios que se veían desde la ventana del baño de Esteban, que miraba mientras me bañaba con toda tranquilidad, el elevador de reja de su edificio, la vez que se fue la luz en el edificio, la vez que Esteban y su novia llegaron después de ser asaltados, Maxi, El Chileno, Billy, su hermana: todo). Debo resistirlo. Debo conservarlo. Demasiado tarde. Ojalá regrese. Ojalá pueda vivir ahí y desenamorarme un poco, para no añorarla como la añoro ahora. Ojalá no la extrañara. Está tan lejos. Buenos Aires, las casas desde el tren hacia Tigre. Buenos Aires, de regreso de mis side trips, como una novia conocida, como una esposa que me espera, ojalá fuera menos difícil estar aquí y no allá.



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